


The Sakura Chronicles: Tokyo Ghoul

by hoobab



Series: The Sakura Chronicles [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: BAMF!Mary sue, Bloody-ish Fights, Character Bashing, Crack Relationships, F/F, F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I will use them, Incompetent Twits, Leave me lots of flames, Mary Sue, Massive Harem, Multi, Nobody is OP Except Sakura, Out of Character, Random Shit Happens For No Reason, Sakura is Her Own Warning, Weird Plot Shit, What Have I Done, but not really, crack!fic, none of this should be taken seriously, shitpost, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 00:37:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16984812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoobab/pseuds/hoobab
Summary: What happens when an Immensely Overpowered Mary Sue with an Absurdly Long Name Who Does Whatever the Fuck She Wants to Do Because Why the Fuck Not ends up in good ol', ghoul-infested Tokyo. Let's just say that things may not end well.





	The Sakura Chronicles: Tokyo Ghoul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura now exists. Shit happens. The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to make it clear (if you didn't read the tags) that Sakura is a MARY SUE. She will bash characters. I don't hate them. She does. You will hate her and me. Don't like, don't read. Better yet give me creative flames, and I will use them. (￣ー￣)ｂ

(*^.^*) Sakura (*^.^*)  
If you were to tell me, Sakura Yandere Nanime Soride Nelemu Odere Taenya Edea Celaena Ashryn Miirphys, that I would end up being banished and exiled to the far corners of the multiverse two days ago, I would have laughed in your face and then promptly condemn you to Oblivion. Because that was a preposterous, absolutely ridiculous, and impossible notion. Well, now it wasn't exactly impossible anymore. Unfortunately.

I mean, how could I, Sakura Yandere Nanime Soride Nelemu Odere Taenya Edea Celaena Ashryn Miirphys, the Immortal One, the Chosen One, Queen of the Multiverse, and the Bringer of Peace and Prosperity, the Shadow Slayer, the Immensely Overpowered Mary-Sue with an Absurdly Long Name (there are exactly 589 more names after the ones given) Who Does Whatever the Fuck She Wants to Do 'Cause Why the Fuck Not, just happen to be flung out into a world that I don't give two shits about? Not on my own accord. And to make it even better, I seem to have lost my very useful multiverse teleporting ability. 

I just hope Hoobab, the author, doesn't make me do something foolish or humiliating like arbitrarily fall in love with the protagonist or have every single male in that universe fall head over heels for me. Maybe the author will even (insert gasp) make me become an incompetent, whining twit that needs every single person’s attention all the time because she’s incapable of taking care of herself and needs to be babysat but ignores everybody and does the most idiotic and dangerous things possible. But let’s move along; we don't want the author getting anymore ideas.

Anyways, two days ago, I was just doing my job. You know, the usual: saving different universes, fulfilling prophecies, blasting incompetent twits off the face of existence. I was content and happy when all of a sudden, a strange force started to quite forcefully (actually it was very forcefully and I did feel a bit harassed) tug at the small of my back. Then, I was shooting off into God knows where (I knew where I was going but I just wrote that down because it sounded cool) at a speed faster than light. After a while though, it got quite comfy; I could just sit back, relax, and plan my dramatic entrance for the next pitiful, powerless, ignorant mass of mortals that were so fortunate in receiving my wonderful, underappreciated abilities. 

But, that was the best case scenario. Instead, I was spontaneously jerked and dragged around roughly after the 47th hour of comfortable, involuntary travel by force pull. Hardly any time for prepping in the 60 minutes of abuse. Even a perfect being like me needs at least 10 seconds for meditation, last second makeup touch ups, motivational speeches, and, of course, the obligated breath mint or two. Oh well, I guess I'll have to make do with my current speed of several million kilometers per hour and hope not to plow through any planets on my way down.

What a sight though! I only had several thousandths of a second to glimpse a blue and green blob of matter before rushing into a crowded chaotic mashup of buildings and streets. Only then did my speed slow down abruptly. Imagine going from flying at a couple million kilometers per hour to hurling down at only 80 kilometers per hour. Yeah, it hurts like a bitch. Not that you would know. You’re probably mortal and weak to boot. My rating for you: Would die quickly. Lucky you! 

That was meant to be sarcastic. Narcissistic and egotistical beings have no reason to care about insignificant insects like you. Obviously. We have much more important things to worry about. Like making a dramatic entrance or deciding how to punish incompetent ninnies.

Now that I was falling at a much slower rate than before, I could finally take all the prep ti--. 

Fuck. 

There went my dramatic entrance. And it was going to be so good. I planned out the dramatic and epic music. The floating cherry blossoms in the intense air. Strobe lights and pyrotechnic effects. The works. Those puny mortals wouldn't even know what hit them. It was going to be whack. Or whatever you kids say nowadays. It's not like I have time to catch up on what modern kids do and say. I have an infinite number of dimensions, realities, and universes to take care of!

You know what, scratch the dramatic entrance. Let's do comedic. You mortals always watch those cheesy Disney movies where the fairy godmother or whatever pops out of the sky and they fall on their asses, right? That's always a good laugh!

Thankfully, I landed in some strange room with odd, quaint furniture and a gaping mortal girl. Yes! My fairy godmother plan would work, and my horribly executed entrance would not be a failure.

Shaking myself off, I quickly smoothed out my waist-long, black hair, straightened out my jacket and wings, and proceeded to put on a dazzling smile for the little girl.

“I am Sakura Yandere Nanime Soride Nelemu Odere Taenya Edea Celaena Ashryn Miirphys, your fairy godmother, Miss…uh...Hinami Fueguchi!” I chirped out before bowing. I had to express my gratitude to my superb mind reading skills and reluctantly thank the author’s mediocre knowledge of this universe. Otherwise that would have been a disaster. What fairy godmother doesn't know the name of their goddaughter (or godsons)?

The girl just blinked stupidly back at me. Such disrespect. What do parents teach their children these days? How to act like an utter brainless pieces of flesh? Dear me, this world was going to need a lot more work than expected. 

Huffing, I continued, “Do they not have any fairy godmothers in this universe?”  
I stood there for an unbearably long time, waiting for a response. Sadly, none came as Miss Fueguchi decided that she was above answering a reality-warping, time-travelling, multidimensional-jumping, all-powerful, immortal, god-like being and dashed out of the room, screaming her head off. Kids these days! I really didn’t have time to be chasing little girls!

“Little girl! Miss Fueguchi! Please come back! I meant no harm,” I called out before ducking my head as I walked out of the room. You mortals always make your doorways too low. How can a seven foot being such as I be able to fit through the door, wings and horns and all?

I turned the corner of the hallway expecting the little girl, but found myself face to face with a pitifully short, teenage, female mortal. Not to mention with a crappy combover. I never understand why you teens hide your faces with your hair. It doesn't make you any cooler or whatever. In fact, it looks quite trashy and unsightly. 

“Hello, Miss Touka Kirishima, I believe? I was just wondering where Miss Fueguchi went,” I cheerfully said. I predicted that she would stare rudely for five minutes and then try to shove me against the wall like the typical angsty, moody, and PMSing bitch she was.

Yup. I was right. Like always. After staring at me with bug eyes and an unsightly gape, she then proceeded to shove me onto the wall, which crushed my beautifully brushed feathers, and started to scream in my face.

“Who are you and why the hell are you in my apartment?” She growled in what was probably meant to be a menacing way but that would never work on me. The only fear I have is the fear of becoming an incompetent, powerless, mortal idiot. That is a totally justifiable fear, correct? 

Shaking spittle off of my face, I responded, “I'm Sakura Yandere Nanime Soride Nelemu Odere Taenya Edea Celaena Ashryn Miirphys, the Immortal One, the Chosen One, Queen of the Multiverse, the Bringer of Peace and Prosperity, the Shadow Slayer, the Immensely Overpowered Mary-Sue with an Absurdly Long Name Who Does Whatever the Fuck She Wants 'Cause Why the Fuck Not, and just recently Miss Hinami Fueguchi’s Fairy Godmother. I just happened to fall into your apartment. You should be blessed to be in my company, mortal.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Answer my question or I'm calling the authorities, crazy cosplayer!” Touka looked very upset for no reason. Maybe she didn't like to be called “mortal”. I am genuinely perplexed by these people. And thoroughly disgusted by their lack of manners.

Smiling calmly, I firmly grabbed her hands that we're pinning me down and placed them gently down to her sides. “I already told you. My name is Sakura Yandere Nanime Soride Nelemu Odere Taenya Edea Celaena Ashryn Miirphys. How many times must I repeat myself? Now, I must be going. I’ve got places to be and things to do.”

With that, I shook myself out of her grasp and walked past her. Oh, I forgot to tell her something! 

“By the way, I am not a cosplayer. These wings are the real deal. Alright, then. Ta-ta! Goodbye!” Then, finding the nearest window, I zoomed out of that dreary apartment. I hope I never get to see her again. I bet she's one of those side characters that no one cares about and then gets killed off.

After that, the fun began! I was so excited! I couldn't wait to play with these new mortals! Oh, goody! There’s a fight! I swooped down to get a better look and what do ya know? A bunch of strangely cloaked mortals we're attacking a building full of strangely dressed mortals. The cloaked mortals seemed to have unusual appendages sticking out of their backs, and the other group of humans wielded guns and silver suitcases. 

But what really got my attention was the short cloaked mortal who was cussing and insulting a whole lot of cloaked mortals (I could hear him because of my superior hearing). One insult really intrigued me: incompetent idiots. 

I was relieved that at least one mortal was able to think like me. How can one have an army of fanatic disciples if said army is a backwards thinking rabble of baboons? Maybe this universe wasn't that bad. 

Now all I needed was my dramatic entrance. I needed something epic and attention getting, but not too flowery and picturesque because this was a battlefield. Hmm… Alright, I was going to do no music, just me. Fly in, land epically, and kick some ass and convince the uncouth midget to join my cult. That was my game plan. 

After circling around for a bit, I dove down to where the yelling dwarf was. Well, in front of him. The wind blew my hair back fashionably and fluffed my wings’ feathers. I slowly darkened them so they were a deep navy blue instead of the icy turquoise and prepared them for my last trick.

I landed in a crouch, one knee up, one knee down, and one fist embedded into the asphalt. The force of landing caused large cracks to form in the road, a shockwave of air, and a momentary pause in fighting to gaze in awe of my majesty. My black hair settled into gentle waves and my wings spread out in the most epic way. Aw, yeah. Someone better had taken a picture.

Everyone stared in silent adoration, basking in the moment of my glory. Before continuing their fighting. These strange mortals.

Rising slowly, I dusted non-existent dirt off my clothes and waved to the vertically challenged mortal whose face was conveniently covered by a black rabbit mask. But that was no problem for my x-ray vision.

He turned out to be not a midget but rather a little kid with the same purplish-blackish hair as one bitchy, PMSing, rude, and angsty girl I just happened to meet this morning. Guess what, he also just happened to be her younger brother. What a coincidence. This kid better have more respect for his superiors than his sister. I don't think I can handle two bitchy, rude, and angsty Kirishimas. Wish me luck!

“Hello, Mr. Ayato! My name is Sakura Yandere Nanime Soride Nelemu Odere Taenya Edea Celaena Ashryn Miirphys. Would you like any help in your battle?” I inquired politely, blinking my long lashes and stepping a bit closer to him. And a bit closer. And a bit closer. And a bit closer. Until my face was right next to his ear.

I heard his breath hitch and saw a bit of red beginning to bloom in his face beneath the mask. God, I love toying with these weak mortals. So susceptible to my otherworldly beauty and charisma. And just my other worldliness. Because how many mortals do you see with unicorn horns, angel wings, and devil horns? None, I am positive. 

His breaths came out in short gasps like he was slowly suffocating under my intense stare and only a slight whisper of an answer passed his lips which could only be heard through my ears.

“What was that? I can't hear you, love,” I giggled out mockingly. “Speak louder!”

He gasped loudly again and eventually mumbled out a “Yes”. Pulling back, I smiled charmingly, and I can tell you that every mortal within a 500 meter radius was swooning. 

Floating lightly in the air, I transformed my arms into the standard blades I use in battle and began to kick some--Who were these people again? Oh yes!--CCG ass! 

One man charged at me with his strange sword/spear hybrid thing that was glowing. I cut his arm off as well as his comrades head. Another three officers fired their guns at me but the q-bullets bounced off my diamond hard skin and clinked down to the ground. Sensing my lethality, a large wave men and women charged at me for what seemed to be a last ditch effort to vanquish this lovely, majestic, beautiful goddess here. They failed miserably.

Shooting up five feet into the air, I fired a volley of my sharp feathers and started to kick and slash my way through the crowd of now bloody mortals. One kick to the chest. A sword slash to the neck. Blocked a measly attack. Dodged this. Jumped over that. Danced around. Threw some silly faces to make it fun. It was such a beautiful ten seconds of fighting. But just as quickly as it started, it ended oh so fast. And I tried real hard to go easy on them! They didn't even give me enough time to use even 0.000000000000000000001% of my power (I'm pretty sure there are more zeroes. Oh well...)! 

Huffing in disappointment, I twirled around to remove all the mortal blood and gunk from my body and, of course, return my wings back to their gorgeous turquoise color.

Afterwards, I flew over to where Ayato was standing. Not that he moved anywhere in the 15 seconds after we talked. I guess he was too awestruck by me to continue fighting. Maybe he won't be a good disciple after all. After all, my disciples must be obedient but competent followers.

“I had a fun time today! Let's do it again sometime, alright? Just tell your bosses over at Aogiri Tree that all they have to do is say my name and I'll be there in a jiffy. 'Kay?” I said.

The only response I got was a grunt and a slight nod. 

Before leaving, I continued, “Oh, and be careful around black-haired boys with eye patches who also just happen to smell like a certain female ghoul because you just might find yourself half-dead in a ditch. Be a good boy and be nice to your sister even though she is a cranky bitch and doesn't deserve your love. Ok, gotta fly! Bye-bye!”

With that, I hit the road--or the sky. Whatever. 

However, my highly advanced ears were able to pick up a frantic voice inside the building I just fought at. Swooping down and crashing through the roof, I discovered one of the CCG mortals yelling into a radio of some sort. 

It was absolutely medieval. Nothing like the radios we have at home. Not that we need radios. Telepathy is way better.

Anyways, it was another cowardly mortal seeking refuge inside an already lost battleground. How foolish. And by the looks of it, he was trying to call for help. His little birdy cries chirping for backup. Chirp! Chirp! Chirp! It was hilarious until I got tired of it and broke his neck.

Taking the small, ancient device into my own hands, I brought it up to my mouth, smirked mischievously, and spoke quietly into the receiver. What I said wasn't really important but all you need to know is that I gave the guy on the other end a nice scare and also a small lecture on manners. I was appalled at the lack of respect for immensely overpowered deities who could blast you into a trillion pieces in less than a second.

Flying into the slowly darkening sky, I headed somewhere in the distance. Probably the tallest building the city. Maybe I was going to watch some fireworks. Or scare some mortals. Or kill some people. Who knew? Well, I knew what I was going to do. I'm not that indecisive!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me...


End file.
